Psychology behind Retaliation- Part 1

Picture credits: heroism.wikia.com

A man that studieth revenge, keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal, and do well.” Francis Bacon

The very first time I read this line, I couldn’t understand it. Fortunately, the second time I could.

Revenge is such a common word in our dictionary. We don’t speak of it very often. However, we don’t want to refrain ourselves from taking revenge from someone who has hurt us. We feel like we deserve justice and the offender must pay the price. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

By ‘we’ I am not saying I am an exception. I am not saying I don’t feel like taking revenge from people. When someone says something bad to me or hurts me emotionally (especially when it is deliberate) I just feel so angry that I want to retaliate believing it is going to make me feel good.

Or does it?

Does retaliation actually make me feel good?

Does it happen with everyone?

Revenge an emotional catharsis

We have always believed that exhibiting our emotions results in catharsis which is called an emotional catharsis. By venting out aggression we take anger out of our bodies only to find that it make us feel good. This idea is not entirely wrong but it is not entirely correct either. It is true we must vent out our emotions because repressing our emotions is dangerous. When we repress our emotions we bury them in our unconscious minds and very soon they come back to haunt us. So, in a way exhibiting our aggression or any other emotions is very helpful. But it doesn’t last very long. Seeking revenge feels sweet and it is sweet only in the short term; only in the moment. After that it only takes a toll on our emotional & physical health and keeps us engaged in a vicious cycle of retaliation.  Even scientists agree.

Revenge is sweet. But not too sweet

A very important research was conducted by a group of Swiss researchers that validated the idea that seeking revenge feels good. Researchers divided participants into groups of two people and made them take part in an economic exchange game. The game was to split a pot of money between the partners. Some participants were wronged by their partners in the sense that splitting of money wasn’t fair. When participants who trusted their partners were given a chance to punish them, researchers scanned their brains to record brain activity while they were busy introspecting how to seek revenge. And researchers found that there was a rush in the brain’s activity while participants were busy taking their decisions. The brain area showing activity is called caudate nucleus (an area in human brain involved in processing rewards). Therefore, validating that revenge feels good to humans.

But that’s not all.

Scientists wanted to know what actually happens in brain’s activity not in the immediate moment of retaliation but after some period of time, say, weeks or months later. Kevin Carlsmith along with Timothy Wilson of the University of Virginia and Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University conducted a research to prove that there is more to revenge than we imagine. A group of participants were randomly selected and they were divided into groups of four people. All the four people were given a dollar and they could either pitch in the group pot or keep for themselves. Furthermore, researchers said that they will be adding a 40% more dividend to the whole group before dividing the boosted pot among all four members of the groups. This move by the researchers provided two possibilities: the best for the whole group would be if all the four members of the group donate their dollar while what is best for an individual member is if they keep their dollar and also get a share from the final amount accumulated in the pot. But there was a catch. One member in each group was a confederate and acted as a free rider (someone who keeps his dollar and also receives a share from the final amount in pot). Some participants were not given a chance to do anything after knowing that they had been morally violated by one of their members while other participants were given an opportunity to seek revenge for an unjust act. Both the groups were then supposed to record their feelings immediately and after 10 minutes. Also, some participants were asked to just pen down their feelings of how they would feel if they had seen a selfish act but were not allowed to retaliate.

What were the findings?

  1. People who were allowed to punish free riders felt a lot more worse than they had imagined they would had there been a chance to take revenge or retaliate.
  2. People who were allowed to punish free riders also felt a lot worse than the ones who did not do anything to seek revenge.
  3. Ten minutes later punishers continued to think over the selfish act and that eventually prevented them from letting go. Therefore, not helping them much emotionally.

The study is highly significant because it tells us that revenge is not the end of our pain. We think revenge will make us feel good and it will solve everything. But reality is something different. There is more to revenge than we imagine.

Decoding myself- ANGER

Picture credits: An Evil Nymph’s Blog on wordpress

Why are you angry?

Did someone say something to you?

Did someone hit you?

Did someone lie to you or hurt you emotionally?

These are all possibilities!!

Obvious and reasonable possibilities for you to be ANGRY…

I don’t intend to deny them. I don’t intend to steal you from your pain that’s been caused to you by these ‘external factors’.

But my question is, “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY? Why YOU and not THEY?”

If you were hurt because of someone else’s actions why is it that only you are angry and not the other person when you both were in the same situation at the same time? (assuming that the other person is actually isn’t angry)

It’s simple. You CHOSE. You chose to be angry. You chose to punish yourself for someone else’s faults or actions. You chose to be angry because you had all these EXPECTATIONS from the other person. Your CHOICE coupled EXPECTATIONS is what’s making you angry and causing you misery.

Anger cannot be simply alleviated with good and positive thoughts. There is a whole lot of complexity. Your neurons are doing their part; their sole job is changing your brain’s chemistry and that is giving rise to this emotion called anger. Neuroscience cannot be ignored here. Also, there is a whole lot of explanation from the evolutionary point of view as well. But my questions are more focused into freewill. My point is that you are angry and you must do something about it. Your anger is a reaction. Sometimes it is okay to be angry because you cannot always put a hold on your reactions. It’s just not humanly possible. But being angry; constantly angry is pain. It’s a grave pain for your mental well-being. And that’s why you must learn how to take control over your reactions.

It takes time. If I say you stop your expectations from other people or you simply have to acknowledge that you always have a choice. I am afraid it is too much to ask. These ideas are easier said than done.

So how should you start? Where should you start?

Whenever you are about to angry simply tell yourself that ‘right now I am angry.’ Acknowledge your anger. Then don’t listen to your thoughts. Let them float. Let them circle around in your head. Give them time. Some time. Even more if its needed. Take a deep breath. Tell yourself that you are going to react after 1 minute. Let that minute pass. If you are still angry give your reaction time one more minute. You will cool down eventually . It shall pass. Now by doing this you are choosing not to get angry. You are choosing to let go off the expectations.

DETACH.

Detachment from the moment becomes the key.

“I Can Think. I Can Wait. I Can Fast.”

Picture credits: BlogSpot.com

Recently I have finished reading a book called “Siddhartha” by Hermann Hesse.

Why did I pick this book? Maybe I was expecting to gain some wisdom.

Did I?

Yes. I did. Of course I did.

There are many pages in the book pouring down some ultimate truths. But my favourite line throughout the book is when Siddhartha, a young man seeking discovery of the self, said, “I CAN THINK. I CAN WAIT. I CAN FAST.”

The line might seem trivial. If we care enough to think about it, however, there is so much that we can learn from it. We humans are always seeking ‘something’ in our lives. And unfortunately, many times we don’t have the slightest idea what that ‘something’ is. We have longings for materials. We have more attachment for ‘things’ and not ‘people’. We seem to be trapped in a vicious circle of desires where fulfilment of one doesn’t guarantee happiness and contentment. As soon as we accomplish A we turn our attention to B without even taking a moment to celebrate the A. It is not wrong to have goals and ambitions. We must have something to ‘look forward to’ or else we’d be walking dead. At the same time, there is a fine line between being satisfied with what we have or accomplished and desiring for more. Whoever sees the line clearly learns to stay blissful.

When Siddhartha told he could think, wait and fast he did not mean that he could not do the other things. Of course he could. But he emphasised on three key qualities which are worthy enough to be pondered upon. No matter what facts we know. No matter how smart or intelligent we think we are. No matter how big or mediocre or small we think our dreams are. If we cannot harness our ability to think deeply and constructively, to have some patience and satisfaction in life and control our instant gratifications then everything will be in vain.

I CAN THINK

We all think. Thinking is an integral part of our lives. We are a lot because of our ability to think. Interestingly, mere thinking is not enough. What’s important is the quality of our thoughts that is manifesting our process of thinking. Like Sam Harris mentioned in his book “Waking UP- Searching for Spirituality without Religion”, “The problem is not thoughts themselves but the state of thinking without knowing that we are thinking.” We all have negative and positive thoughts. And that’s okay because it is a result of evolutionary processes happening since millions of years. At the same time we must not forget to develop how to think constructively whenever a negative/bad event takes place in our lives. Constructive thinking helps us gain a better perspective of the external world and guides us further to minimize friction with the external environment.

Majority of the people, nowadays, are not deep but shallow. They don’t bother getting much into the core of at least some things. And this is very unfortunate because superficiality in anything especially in thoughts will only alleviate the symptoms & not the problems of our lives. Therefore, deep thinking should be practiced by making sure we are not turning into chronic over-thinkers.

I CAN WAIT

Patience is the key. We have heard this innumerable times. Sadly, we don’t actually understand what patience is all about. At least that’s what I believe. People who are hard-working, tenacious, opportunists and most importantly patient can manage to accomplish what they are seeking. It is because they know how and when to wait. They know good things take time and no one ever gets anything without keeping some patience. Siddhartha knew this very well.

I CAN FAST

Many people are going to comprehend the last key quality/ability of Siddhartha in terms of modern concepts like intermittent fasting. While intermittent fasting is beneficial for our physical and mental health this is a completely different area of which I will be talking about in my future posts. What my analysis is that by fasting Siddhartha is referring to having control over ID which is the source of instant gratifications. We must learn and teach ourselves to never sacrifice future pleasures for short term ones. That does not mean to be constantly putting experiencing pleasures in the moment on hold for future which is not guaranteed. But we must know how to experience pain in the moment for a better future. From time to time we should experience what it’s like to be devoid of something for some time.

Reading Siddhartha and coming across such a powerful sentence can never run short of imparting wisdom. Life is not a destination and we should not expect to become wise at any one point in life. Rather it is a journey and becoming wise is a process and each day we can become better than the day before.